Alright. For no good reason the computer died on me. So now I'm rewriting everything again. Marvellous.

Yup...as I was saying, I slept at about 7pm yesterday till abut 6 am today, was breaking down uncontrollably last night and wishing I was Mr Quah instead then got too tired and so slept. But then, I'm still having a headache. Oh well. And why am I telling everyone I broke down yesterday anyway?

Something's wrong with me.  I mean...well...I don't know...but is God really true?I mean, it's a common question I know...but is there many heavens out there? And does God really throw ppl to hell when they don't recognise him? It's sort of like selfish thinking because why should we try very very hard to convert all our close ones so that they would be saved and be in heaven with us? Aren't we suppose to be open in other religions?

Haiz. Should I even go for holy spirit weekend? I mean, I'm not feeling well, argued a lot with my mum regarding letting me out nowadays and all...I mean she's right. I've been missing alot of ballet classes because I was unwell and I'm unwell because I just didn't have time to rest much.  And honestly, I don't want to argue anymore. I'm tired. I had wanted to be a better daughter, not like...what I am now.  Argh! Why can't I just be Mr Quah? I'd gladly exchange my life with him. Like that's even possible.  Sad...so so sad...

Anyway. Today's 2.4km run. Quite a number of girls just fell. Esp the Magdalena girls...Had a couple of girls who hyperventilated as well and had to be sent to hospital. Got quite scared with the girl Suzana or something. She kept sleeping and not breathing, was scared she'd give up halfway because she was too tired...I realise that not many ppl thank first aiders when we treat them...talk about manners, jeez. At least be a little more appreciative right?

Then got bianged by some ppl. Was really upset but decided to focus on looking out and treating the casualties...

Why? What did I do wrong? I mean, seriously. Am I so insignificant, so ugly, so unworthy, so cold or whatever that you just have to ignore me? Fine. Why should I care about you anyway? Why should I always get so upset about you? Or cry for your sake? Why should I bother if we drift apart? Why am I putting in so much effort to keep this going when you don't even bother? Do you even intend to be my friend? So maybe you've played finish with me, known more or less about me and you're trying to find someone more exciting. Or maybe I'm just simply too unpredictable for you. Too serious. Too fake. Too complicated. Too dark and freaky by what I used to do, the way I think and the way I am then and currently.  I don't know. I've exhausted everything I could do. I've tried to spend time with you, I've tried to be more sensitive to your feelings, I've tried to even change myself to suit you and be so introspective, I've even gone down on my knees, crying and praying like nobody's business that we wouldn't drift apart, that I would know what to do and how to amend this. But you don't even do your part. You don't even show a single appreciation for me. What am I in your eyes? Just a piece of dirt? You're not worth my attention at all. I'll be more than happy to break all ties with you. I'll be happy to forget you ever existed at all. Because you've pushed me to my limits and this is all I can take. I'm glad I've thought through things and has stop wasting my time and effort for you. I keep saying I feel numb and empty sometimes. But even when my soul is gone and my heart is just a stone, I still feel, I still think, I still have my expectations. No matter what, I'm still human and I still have emotions. If you're not going to show that you do want our friendship to go on, then I'm not doing anything at all. I'm just gonna sit back and relax and you're all but a stranger to me.  I'm not gonna be a fool for you.

Alright. So happy to get that off my chest. I hope those ppl read this message and reflect on their actions. Well, if they know it was for them in the first place. Or maybe everyone who read this message ought to reflect on their behaviour. Not saying there is anything wrong or something. Maybe there is. Depending on who you are.

Getting late, still had English Orals tomorrow. Need a good rest now before anything starts.

- #67

**But tonight my heart is heavy and I cannot keep from whispering this prayer, "are you there?"**

Got a bad headache since morning, I wonder what's up? Stress? Lack of sleep?

Oh no..haiz..falling sick or what? I hope not...I don't want to be sick when I go for Holy Spirit Weekend...

2.4 runs tml..I'm really scared we're short handed..I pray it won't be that way and that it won't rain...or something.

Can't believe I'm in class camp committee..I mean, why me? I'm just baffled...

There's two ppl under the same name "stranger" but 1 is really nice and the other is sick. Or maybe it's 1 person but with two online personalities..whatever it is. The sick one is very sick. And very irritating. And I pity the person because the person doesn't have a life. Poor child.

Heh. Being harsh but I can't help it. I'm seriously upset with whatever's going on in my life now. Wish it will settle down and stop. Stop and get out of my life!

10
9
8
7
6
5
4
3
2
1
0

Alright. Better now..been having to count down a lot lately..which means I'm always in a bad mood and I get angry very easily and that means I'll be really harsh and blunt and hurtful and I would start swearing like nobody's business...But now I'm fine.

Hmm...nothing to say for today. Heh.

Alright. Think I'll go sleep now...maybe that'll take the headache away..

- #67

I wonder how many people actually read my blog and thought through my words...what do they say in me? oh wells.

Who said Avril Lavigne's Happy Ending was nice? Cause it ain't..her voice is just so, so..scratchy...not nice, yucks...though some parts of the lyrics are nice...

Went into a frenzy of downloading songs from Nicole Nordeman..go listen to her "small enough" song, very nice...it's the song they played for the powerpoint presentation the day the news on Mr Quah was announced..there are her other songs that are equally as nice...such as "healed" and "Legacy". However, her songs are mainly religious ones.

Alright. Got to get back to school now. Cheers ppl! Pls stop ignoring me...what have I done to you to deserve this...

- #67

"We stutter and we stammer 'til You say us
A symphony of chaos 'til You play us
Phrases on the pages of unknown
'Til You read us into poetry and prose

We are kept and we are captive 'til You free us
Vaguely unimagined 'til You dream us
Aimlessly unguided 'til You lead us home

By Your voice, we speak
By Your strength, no longer weak
We are no longer weak

By Your wounds we are healed
By Your wounds we are healed

Passed over and passed by until You claim us
Orphaned and abandoned 'til You name us
Hidden and disclosed 'til You expose our hearts

By Your death we live
It is by Your gift that we might give
That we might give

What kind of love would take your shame
And spill His blood for you
And save us by His wounds?"

- "Healed" by Nicole Nordemon

Alrights.

Let's start from yesterday since I haven't updated yet due to being busy with some stuff...

Heard that Mr Quah is more than critically ill and that there's nothing anyone can do anymore except to make him comfortable...when I heard that, I was just...stunned. I didn't know what to say and, suddenly, I just felt like crying and crying and crying..

Except that I couldn't because there were so many people around me..

It seems like death is here, one after another...Grandpa's death has left me a big impact..one other member of my family died as well, can't remember who and now, he's dying...

And all we can do is pray that he will have the courage in the last moments..I feel so helpless. It's just like the times when I tried so hard to make a girl stop hyperventilating..all I can do is sit there and assure her and tell her what to do and see her face turning blue every moment..it's been two years yet I'm still thinking about it.

Oh wells. Today, did a lot of thinking..and you know, I realize I've been foolish because there are so many people who loved me and yet I'm trying to get love from someone who will probably never ever give me any. I mean, why did I waste my time on that? For the whole day, felt so so lonely and all...so I did a lot a lot of praying today...

And you know, prayers are very powerful. And when you pray, you can feel His presence here. Though maybe not at first but slowly...

Anyway, it's near midnight now. Shall go off, don't want to say too much here..

- #67

//Hey, did you read Mei Yi's blog? I hope you did...well, I'll be honest. I was pretty hurt when I saw your wrist. I mean, we've been through this haven't we? I've been telling you, don't do it, don't do it. But why did you break your promise and resort to the penknife? What good does it do? And you know, I've been through this and I've dealt with people who's been through it as well.. I know what to look for and I can spot the signs easily, not only that, I learn first aid and to fool me with your excuses on your wounds, well, it's not gonna work because I've seen wounds before...you cannot fool me that easily girl...

I know what you're going through...because I've been through them before. I know what it feels like to drown in pain and loneliness everyday, to wake up awfully depressed or numb and to pass the time like a zombie, empty and void of emotions..I've been like that for a long long time...and you know, I was really shocked when you were so desperate to get back your penknife...what are you trying to do to yourself? Does hurting yourself solve anything? Does being an anti-social solve anything? You can wear masks daily to school but let me tell you this: One day, you will break down.

You know there are people who care, who will be hurt by your actions...why didn't you turn to these people beside you? By hurting yourself and thus hurting others, aren't you being selfish? Ok, so maybe my words are harsh here. But the reality is this: You've got to face your problems. I'm not saying you oughtn't cry and feel hurt, you've got every right to cry and feel hurt. But you must also pick yourself up, no one's gonna heal you but yourself and no one's gonna help you when you don't accept their help and help yourself. And don't be too sensitive and narrow minded. Learn to open up and accept criticisms and in turn, use criticisms to reflect on your behaviour. No one's perfect but we can strive to be close to perfect, can't we? It's not impossible..use your pain to be your strength, learn from every obstacle you face...every time you cry, you have the choice to become stronger or just stay surrounded in sadness...

There are other ways to let off your pain, don't resort to the knife..talking is one way, writing, singing, dancing, even eating or doing excercise...there are so many other ways to make you feel better without hurting yourself further...use them. Don't go to the penknife though there are times when you feel the physical pain can't even cover up the internal ones but is the best choice then doing other things...

And do seek help for yourself. It's not too late..however, by closing yourself up and rejecting who you are, by degrading yourself and lowering your self-esteem and confidence, well..how can anyone help you, love you, care for you when you yourself don't help or love or care for yourself. If you have no self-respect, how can you respect others then?

I hope you do reflect after reading all this stuff...you may fall, be broken and confused and lost now...but rest assured, at your darkest moments, that's when dawn is coming...look forward to it and always remember that hardships are placed there so that you can learn from it, appreciate things better and altogether, be stronger for the next obstacle to come..you'll find life is actually very meaningful and exciting with every turns and corners..though just remember this: When you feel the world hates you, look again and you'll find that actually you are the one hating the world...and if you ever come to a dead end, know that I'm here always to support you and help you. Not only me but all the other people too, like Si Hui, Carlene, Mei Yi etc..we are all here to help you, who cares if you're 2 years younger than us?

Talk to me anytime you want yarh? I'm never too busy to be a listening ear..take care girl and smile always!^^ //

**Dear Lord Jesus, I need you...I need your grace to forgive me and I need your love to change me. Thank you for your amazing love...thank you for giving me life and eternity. But above all, thank you for dying on the cross for me. Now I'm a Christian, which means you live in me...I belong to you. I will live my life for you and I will love you forever...Amen...**

Got this prayer at the back of the Hillsongs CD, nice prayer...

Nothing much today...but I shouldn't have said that part about this being the first time I'm not emotional...

BECAUSE I AM!

Woke up today and felt like crying from the start..shan't say why.

I thought it would go away in the later part of the day..so I agreed to go out with my family to Suntec City. Was trying to act as a bung but oh wells. It didn't make any difference does it? Just had a couple more people staring at me wherever I went, tt's all..Bought the Hillsongs CD...

In the end, well..I'm too exhausted to do anything about the pain...so I'm sitting here, praying, singing, stoning...and thinking about things...all the things happening now, I'm seriously lost and confused...what is going to happen next? Will things worsen or brighten up? I really don't know...guess I'll go back to praying.

- #67

"I need you here, I need you here
You're like the rain that falls,
Fall on this heart and make me new
I look to you, I look to you
You're King above the earth and you have put heaven in my heart
I only want to be where you are
Holy, holy is the Lord, King of Glory, forever
Saviour of the world
Though mountains may be moved
And fall into the raging sea
You'll never let me fall
You hold me in your nail-scarred hands..."

- "Need you here" by Hillsongs

Today, the worship team from another church came...pretty cool, all the songs they say were really nice...it's a nice change from our usual band..had a good time there, haha..wish it would happen often...

Then had dinner with Yi Hui and her family...was ok...though felt guilty for troubling them..heh..

learnt alot of things but shan't say it down here, would take so much time...

So, I shall state some really nice religious songs:

A pure heart
All I want is you (The Planet Shakers)
Awesome in this place (Hillsongs)
Better than life(Hillsongs)
Breathe
Fall (Hillsongs)
Free (Hillsongs)
God of Wonders (Third Day and Caedmon's Call)
Heart of Worship(Hillsongs)
Here I am to worship (Hillsongs)
History Maker (Delirious)
Hungry (Acquire the Fire)
I could sing of your love forever (Hillsongs)
I love you Lord  (Scott Riggans)
I'm living for (The Planet Shakers)
I offer my life
I stand in awe of you (Hillsongs)
Jesus Freak (DC Talk)
Jesus, Lover of my soul (Hillsongs)
Knocking on the door (Hillsongs)
My best friend (Hillsongs)
Power of your love (Hillsongs)
One way (Hillsongs)
Open up the gates (The Planet Shakers)
Open the eyes of my heart
Saving Grace (Hillsongs)
Send me (The Planet Shakers)
Still (Hillsongs)
The Potter's hand (Hillsongs)
To the ends of the earth (Hillsongs)
We fall down [Lay our crowns] (Passion) [Hillsongs]
When God's people pray (Wayne Watsons)
Worthy of praise (The Planet Shakers)

- #67

"Hide me now under your wings
Cover me within your mighty hand
When the oceans rise and thunders roar
I will soar with you above the storm
Father you are king over the flood
And I will be still, know you are God
Find rest my soul, in Christ alone.
Know his power in quietness and trust"

- "Still" by Hillsongs

 

Alright.

was too tired yesterday to update. Plus I've got work to do. what work? Ss to study. But studied till the fifth page then can't take it anymore so hit the bed at about midnight...now I'm having huge eye bags..haha..not that anyone can actually see it..haha.

Anyway, let's start from yesterday. Alpha was about the holy spirit, so that cleared my doubts about the holy spirit..I think that it, he, she..the holy spirit lives inside me. Is that true? Heh..oh can't wait for holy spirit weekend! Hope I could finish my homework before going for it..

Oh, then when my dad and I were waiting for the rojak, some malay girls had a quarrel..think it started when this girl behind was accused of staring at the girl in front..but honestly, they are the stupidest ppl..why must people pick a fight just because someone stares at them? That's like absolutely rubbish! Crap! Whatever I can think of.

But nonetheless...it was quite entertaining since I was bored.

Today. SS was quite ok. keyword: ok

It was slightly easier than I thought...so that's good. Stayed back and finished some ss homework, yay~ then met Cartan in the coffee shop for lunch which was as usual, roti prata. Heh. Walked home with Amanda Pang (a.k.a Swollen Mouth a.k.a SM) then had lunch, bathed and stuff like that. Then sitting here and staring at the screen. Will have to go for service today, heh. wonder what's today about?

Haha. Ok, nothing to write so will end off soon.

Martina: Hope you cheer up, glad you find SS was ok to do. haha..smile always yarh? Cause a lady looks sexiest when she smiles. Yupyup, take care! Oh, and thanks for dropping by!

To all other people, you know who you are: People kept asking me how I let go..well, hmm...honestly, I don't know. Letting go is never easy, that is for sure. You just have to let go at the right time, when you're prepared...when you finally do let go, it hurts, yes. It hurts like anything and you might feel as though you're making the wrong choice...but after that, you will feel better. You'll feel like something been's lifted off your shoulders, like you can finally fly and never fall. And it's true, you can do so because you're no longer attached. Though there are times when you miss the person, but the pain is mild, you'll be able to smile again soon...for me, I believe that letting go is the first step of moving on to meeting someone better...don't know about you people...but take the time to think through and reflect...it's time to start to heal, don't linger in the past.

- #67

"I close my eyes and I can see the day we met
Just one moment and I knew
You're my best friend, do anything for you
We've gone so far and done so much
And I feel like we've always been together
Right by my side, through thick and thin
You're a part of my life, I'll always remember
The time has come,it's for the best I know it
Who could have guessed that you and I
Somehow, someday, we'd have to say goodbye..."

**I once asked Jesus how much he loves me. He spreads open his arms and said, "this much." Then he died on the cross..**

Alright. Been quite an ok week, had a schedule to look forward to, so that's good. In a way. Heh. Nothing much on...just wondering what would happen next and stuff like that...as usual...

Think I'm getting sick? The ball in my cheek is swollen..they always get swollen when I'm getting sick. Pretty scary actually..to touch your own cheek and feel this...this...ball there...but according to the doctor, it's my white cell balls..if there's such a thing..and I've got 3 of them in my cheek and jaw! 2 at the right, 1 at the left but deep inside. Yikes..kk, shan't scare myself out with myself anymore..

Pretty angry with Mrs Loh..but now I'm just too lazy to be angry with her..haiz...but honestly, it's not us who decided to shame ourselves...most of the throwing of oneself to the boys are from sec 1s,2s,3s and 5s. It's GENERAL. Maybe she didn't know what that means. Heck. But at least talk to the other levels as well right? Don't confine all the blame to the graduating classes, biased or what? Hmph! Whatever. Maybe she's just suffering from what? Menopause?PMS?>.>

It's the FIRST TIME that I ain't that emotional when I'm bleeding heavily now. Is that good or bad? Heh..haha, hope it stays that way but I guess it won't. Sooner or later, I'll get emotional and stuff like that..oh no...got to keep myself in check...can't be so careless if not something'll go wrong. Something already went wrong..so, yup. Haiz..mustn't be careless...mustn't at all be careless.

- # 67

"Things aren't the way they were before,
You wouldn't even recognize me anymore,
Not that you knew me back then,
But it all comes back to me,
In the end, I kept everything inside,
And even though I tried it all fell apart,
What it meant to me, will eventually, be a memory of a time when,
I tried so hard and got so far,
But in the end, it doesn't even matter,
I had to fall to lose it all,
But in the end, it doesn't even matter,
I've put my trust in you,pushed as far as I can go,
For all this,there's only one thing you should know...
I tried so hard and got so far,
But in the end, it doesn't even matter,
I had to fall, to lose it all,
But in the end, it doesn't even matter..."

- "In the End" by Linkin Park

First day in school since we made up. Wow. Guess what? I actually missed being with you although it's like..only for a few days? Heh. Honoured eh? Haha...but that's the truth. Wonder if you feel the same too? Man, I sound love sick..yucks..
 
Yup, but anyway.
 
Had a terrible headache that got worse when I do movements like walking up the stairs. Got pretty bad later on in the day, so didn't go for ballet, felt terrible though..haiz..oh..and did I tell you what I got for my exam? It was a merit! Pretty disappointing...but I guess we were all pretty shaken when we went there...somehow I couldn't dance as well as I used to. What happened? Haiz...yeah well..time to move ahead. Need to concentrate on the majors now.
 
Will I do dancing when I grow up? Well peeps. I don't know. I haven't exactly thought much about my future. Heh. But shall do so soon anyway.
 
Met two really nice people under my block in the afternoon. The lady asked me if I just returned from school and whether I was from SAC. I said yes and she was asking me what level I was in and whether I've just moved into the block. She was so so nice^^, haha..if only the world was like her..was so happy that I said goodbye and wished them a nice day. And she was like "you too." So nice right? Haha..
 
Hmm. What else to say? Well. This. Think our school just shouldn't get anymore visitors here. It's TOTALLY embarrassing how our girls cheapen themselves and throw themselves down at the feet of some good looking boys. Don't you people have diginity? Running after them like...like...nobody's business and asking them for their email add and telephone number...what's society coming to? And we're a convent school too..totally shameful.  *flicks hand* Hmph! Hope you people one day learn your lesson. Go sell yourself at the Red Light District. You might be able to successfully start the "SAC Geisha Inn" or something.
 
Hmm..think that's about all I suppose...can't wait to watch The Trocks. Heard it's really really good. All men on pointe, shaven, wearing tutus and stockings and headdresses of a female dancer,elegant, hilarious...yup! Haha..comic relief for me I guess. Wahaha..gonna be so so cool!
 
Yeah, that's all folks. Till next time.
 
- #67
 
//Hey, hey. Since you didn't have any comment section or tagboard there, the only way to talk to you is either through the blog or to talk to you face to face, or sms, or through a letter...well..I thought doing in the blog would be suitable for now..didn't think you'd be ready for me to talk to you face to face or something...anyways, I thought I could give my opinion, you don't have to read this of course if it irks you in any way.
 
I read the entry, how are you feeling after you got all that out? Better I hope? I'm just curious and being very nosy...but who's your special friend? Don't need to tell me if you don't want to...you know, reading it reminds me of myself...it really does. Your thoughts are hauntingly similar to mine. Your words, your actions, your behaviour and your reasons to behave that way...they are all so so similar that if I were delirious, I would have had thought that it was my own entry. Seriously. Maybe you might not believe that...well, I don't blame you. It is possible to break the habit, even if you are addicted to it. Searching for help is the very first step of it. It is unhealthy, I guess you know that too...You know...we all care for you, we don't want you to do anything stupid if we can help it. It's not that we're trying to make you feel like some sort of criminal or something...Well..to put this across frankly..I don't sympathize with you. That's something I have to be blunt about. I empathize with you. Because like I mentioned once, been there, done that. What I'm trying to say is that there are many people who faces the same situation as you do. You're not alone. People do understand what you're going through...well, some people do. Others don't but they still try to understand your situation...
 
I guess I shan't give you advices unless you want me to give them because I do respect your decision. I feel honoured when you open up to me, thank you for doing so...and I hope that you will continue to do so because I really want to help you. Well, ok..I can't help but give you this advice. I know you may drift away from God, even hate him now...but pray to him when you hurt inside. He can take away your pain.
 
Guess that's all. I hope you know the message is to you and that you catch this before I update...take care always. I'll be here whenever you need anyone to talk to or to be a listening ear. And when you feel prepared to do so, I don't mind you talking to me face to face. Search for help! It is not impossible to break out of it! Guess I'll see you in school...love ya!
 
*The best kinds of friends are the ones who stand by you even when you don't need them..*//

Salute people.
 
Bored...
 
Didn't do much today except finish my homework and other unamusing stuff..and when I decided to really chill and entertain myself, it's going to be 8 pm...sucks big time..
 
Not looking forward to school, esp for Miss Lim's lesson..haiz..
 
When I look at my blog..I realize there's something VERY wrong..I sound too happy..now that's scary..>.>...eee!!AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 
Heh.
 
Whatever.
 
Speaking about entertaining yourself when I've only got the screen for my eyes, keyboard for my fingers and food for my mouth to excercise..uh oh..I swear I can see myself growing fatter this very minute 0o..help! Maybe I should go for Marie France...something something..
 
Someone please entertainment me now.
 
- #67
 
//Yo. What's up with you man..nvm. You're none of my concern anyway. Kicked you out a long time ago. But you know, it tickles me to know that I've got real friends and you don't. Haha.//

*To all the people who is concerned about this: I don't like Patrina! I'm straight. Get that in your little heads before I do something about it.*
 
I wonder if I ought to start rejoicing now..glad things are turning out well..just hope it will stay that way. Or does God have other things planned? Today and yesterday's topics were..I don't know. I can really relate to them...about asking God to guide in our decisions and today's Pray Until Something Happens (P.U.S.H)..I guess..it was as though God was letting all this happen so that I can learn about..the topics and such..but yeah well..I really prayed and prayed like nobody's business esp.today, during CCA times..was in a daze, throughout the whole time, I was praying. Kept wondering what was going to happen, what I'm suppose to do, what's the purpose of this all..then I realize how selfish I have been because I was the one that caused all my own problems and that I'm an exact replica of what I had preached others not to become and not to do. Because I decided to distant myself from everyone, I made people worry and..I don't know..But it's my fault, I admit that..I even hated myself for it...at one point of time today, I felt so helpless and frustrated and utterly desperate for something to happen that...I just broke down..then felt even more terrible for not holding myself up..so got in a daze again while praying literally like there will be no tomorrow...all in all, I learnt a lot and I realize that..in a way, I gotta be happy that this happened..because I learn so much..like how to further deal with pain and loneliness, how to pray from my heart, how to really yearn for God, to be patient in his decisions and to trust in him that he will answer our prayers and it would be like a reward to us..and I admit..in this way, I grew closer to God which is what I had wanted..God is teaching me and yes..there was one point of time I really couldn't take it anymore, I prayed that I don't care what God puts me through, I want not mine but his will to be done..and I strongly believe that whatever God puts me through, it is also for my own good because it is part of his teaching.
 
Service was ok..a couple of songs which I haven' heard of..but it's ok..can't wait for next week's worship service, gonna be so cool to sing and sing and sing..yay~
 
Got my cousins to church today and I'm really happy that my first time bringing someone to church was pretty successful. Because they'll be coming back next week, whee~..haha..though is that my destiny? Does God want me to do that? I really wanted to share the experience of God to people since..I said the Sinner's Prayer..I think..or even before that..but aren't I a bit too young at faith to do that? Hmm. -_-
 
Oh well. Mock exam was tough today..didn't really study, don't know if I can score for Bio and keep up my reputation of being good in Bio..haiz..
 
Perhaps I shouldn't be this happy..it would be really ironic to go into depression once more when school starts...heh. But anyway, I do pray things will stay unless like I said..God has other plans.
 
Think that's about all I wanted to say..well..Au revoir then..
 
- #67
 
"I've waited all my life to be here face to face,
I never knew I could feel this kind of grace.
The way you showed me that your blood has washed me clean,
Could never be erased, it lives inside of me.
 
Take me to that secret place
Where I can only see your face.
And nothing else will ever feel this way.
You take away my guilty stains
The things I've done that I can't change
It's only by the power of your name.
 
I stand here in this place,
See the glory on your face,
Taken by the wonder of your name.
I'm desperate for your touch,
Never needed it so much,
Cause all I want is you.."
 
- "All I want is you" by The Planet Shakers
 
// Hey, glad we made up. I was seriously considering what I'm suppose to write for your letter..the reason why I didn't want to reply it is because I wasn't sure about my situation then. And I had wanted to confirm some things. And...I felt the time just wasn't right to write back the letter. But you know, I suddenly realize how much I missed being around you and making fun of you..crapping away just like we used to do...I'm really happy that we are still friends..really sorry for what I've put you through the past few days..but being alone proves to be the most effective way for me to clear my head and sort things out. Yippie~^^ kk..shall see you when school starts. By then, I'll be more cheerful. I hope. Heh.//
 
TQ: Glad we made up as well..I was pretty worried about our relationship before but..yup...let me repeat my words again: You can always talk to me when you want to, don't have to consider whether I'm upset or something..
 
Mei Yi: Thanks for the lyrics..and your constant support when I was so so down the past few days, don't think I could have made it without you..you've got me to talk to yarh? Oh..and I finally understood what that saying "To forgive is to set the prisoner free and to discover the prisoner was you" means..thanks for your words of wisdom and your jokes that unsuccessfully tried to cheer me up..haha..
 
Si Hui: Hey, how are you? Read your blog, hope you feel better after writing all of that down..you can always talk to me about it..thanks for your support, I guess, like Mei Yi, without you, I don't think I could persevere through all this..and I shall remember what you told me, that a woman looks sexiest when she smiles.. :D
 
Tama: There's nothing wrong, just that I've been busy and will be busy till O level is done..
 

Was so tired after alpha yesterday that I decided not to update.
 
Many things happened and is still happening ,I guess..what will happen next then? The end of the week is coming and I had promised myself that I would clear things up by next week...now, come to think of it, is that possible?
 
Mock exam's starting soon, still at home doing this..and thinking and thinking. Should I not go for CCA? Because I'm seriously tired, haven't been having a good sleep for so long. Yeah well..what to say? When I see myself at the mirror, I swear I thought I was a 60 year old person or something..I mean, I've got eye bags, my face just sags and there's lines here and there..overall, I look haggard.
 
Desperately need to go excercising, perhaps that'll do something to me. Haiz..what's happening now? What is wrong with you people? Is my problem affecting you or something? I'm not angry, I'm just..I just want to know. Because it's like the chain effects, one problem comes and just as it was about to clear, another one comes and made the first problem even worse, then a third one comes..the list goes on. People, it's a viscious cycle! If there's anything, talk it straight into my face. Unless you're not prepared to. But please don't keep me waiting and wondering what is wrong. I've had enough and I don't want to walk out on you or lose my temper. I'm trying hard not to and hell knows when I'll burst.
 
Swelling and swelling, when will I die of explosion?
 
- #67
 
//Hey, what's wrong? What happened between us? I thought we were so close after the June Holidays..please talk it out to me, don't go through someone else. I'm getting over it, so please don't worry so much about me. Go to someone else who may need your concern more than I do..you know you can always talk to me, I won't reject you or something. Don't get paranoid..//

Can't be bothered to name my blog, too lazy..plus I have lots of things to get done with.

Ms Kang taught us more French today..perhaps one day after my o'level exams, I'll take up French..it's a interesting language..really!(Bonjour, mademoiselle, madam, monsier, salute, merci beaucoup, je t'aime, au revoir, etc..)

Dad installed a new hi-fi set in my room so Beel and I can blast music all day..thank you!!^^ when Beel's at home, FM92.4 would be on, when I'm in the room, Linkin Park music would blast in the house..haha..

Thought of this sentence the whole day..I rmbered something along the lines of : Sometimes God calms the storm, sometimes He calms his child. I guess in my situation, he has always been standing by me..perhaps I just don't feel his presence, or perhaps I didn't listen to him..but he is there, don't ask me how I know that..And is this to be good news or bad news? I'm attached to my bible..even though there may be zero adj inside..but..I'm so so attached to it..warh harh harh~..

Thx ppl, I think I'm better now. At least, I can think clearer without banging my head on something first. Don't worry, it'll go away soon, sorry for troubling you all..I just need to sort some things out and I'll be better..everything will be done by next week, I promise..

BP and HEAL: Thx for listening to my shouting today..I was so angry when I saw, yarh..don't know why either..but after that, I just brood in class until recess time..got much much cheerful after PE and so, I'm better today! ^^

TQ: Sorry for walking out on you earlier in the morning..it isn't your fault, just that I was so upset, I was afraid that I would start yelling again as I did in front of the 4/5 and 4/6 class..*wince* oughtn't do that..

Cheryl and Minfeng: I guess you felt left out..sorry, we're not deliberately trying to leave you out, I guess it would be told to you soon..

To someone in 4/5: Hey girl, I hope you catch my message here and know that it's for you...I was really surprised when you smsed me today..I'd have to say I didn't expect you would ever sms me, or even to ask me how I am! But you know, it really made my day..I was much more cheerful when I got your msg..I understand what you're going through now..I really do feel your pain and erm..thanks for your compliment..^^ I didn't know that was what you think of me..haha..you know..at one point of time, I guess all of us would question whether God truly exists and at one point of time, we would hate God for what he puts us through. I've been through that..but you know, as long as you are willing to forgive yourself, God will forgive you, he loves you too much to turn away from you..and to your worry of your dream, well..you have the power of not making it come true..we have more control over our life than we thought we have. But you know..breaking the habit may not be easy but it is possible. Even the impossible is possible as the words breaks to "i m possible"..see? haha..Have confidence in yourself, when you put in effort to break the habit, I'm sure it'll work. Like the saying goes (along the lines of it that is): Just put in your best and God will do the rest. It isn't easy getting God back into your life but it ain't impossible yarh? I shan't be long-winded here..just remember that you've got me when you need someone to talk to, when you feel too angry or depressed, don't keep it inside..write it down..or talk to me. I'm never too busy to not listen to you regardless of my own stuff..and I hope you'll remember that I will support you all the way and help you as much as I can..take care and cheers!

- #67

Since I said I'll update when I felt better, I decided to update..

Not that I did feel very much better, maybe I'm just numb now but it's still better than yesterday I guess..I've been talking and thinking and reflecting..nowadays I just prayed and prayed and prayed..though nothing seems to be happening, I had to keep reminding myself to have faith. Or maybe the solution is already in front of me, just that I was too blind to see it. I don't know. I'm screwed up. And that ain't a swear.

I know p.grandma's days are numbered..she's sleeping so much longer and much earlier and much more than usual..what if one day she doesn't wake up? I remember the days when I would think of my parents leaving me and cry..I guess I've never grown much, I'm still that little girl..how much have I changed? And what do I mean to people? What are my positions in their lives? Been thinking about this for a very very long time, wonder if it will finally be answered?

- #67

//If you want to know how I feel, let me tell you then. Unlike you, I don't cry in front of ppl. I can't cry in front of them..so everything's just inside. It's been that way since I was, what? Pri. 4? Perhaps way back before that even..so can you imagine how it's like for me to put on that "being strong" mask? I'm just so so used to only relying on myself. I am my own pillar of strength, no one else is. Perhaps now you'll understand why I can come to school with a straight face for so many years or how I keep most of the things inside. I've been doing this for close to half of my life. I don't want to cry on anyone. Because what's the point? I don't want to worry other people, anyway, I can't pour out everything to them can I? I'm not you, I'm sure you know that. I cannot fully open myself up to anyone. I am trying to find help. I've been trying to find help. But none of them is effective and you know, I'm absolutely lost now, I don't know what I should do already and yet, one tiny part of me is positive the sun will shine soon. Why do you think I didn't want to be with all of you? Or face you to give you your present? I didn't think I could hold on to anything. Maybe I ought to tell you this sooner, or maybe you knew about it already. What I feel inside is much much deeper than what I let out. I mean, many people said I've got a "poker" face..but it doesn't hold on for too long. Things aren't as easy as it seems. You have to look at its history and underlying surface.

You're not the only person hurting or crying. I've been this way since the June holidays. All along, I just kept quiet. Because you know, there are some people whom you just can't rely on. Some who seems to be so close to you but in the end, everything is just superficial. Do you know how I felt then? Add on to the death, this anonymous thing, council, some family problems, my own problems and I haven't even started revising for prelims..and there are some concepts in Christianity that I'm still trying to accept,of course, my own faith...Whatever. I shan't go too much into self-pity here.

You have your own problems too. It isn't that I'm insensitive or blind, just that I really am at a loss on whether to approach you because all along, you are the one that looked for me when you have a problem.

You said I'm a believer of God and all that about not hating myself and doing what is necessary to find back the normal person I once were, well ok..then have you heard of confusion? Or suicide?

But honestly, I guess you will always be someone special to me. If not, why would I open up to you in an OPEN BLOG where so many other people can see this? I'm making myself vulnerable and I don't know why. Or maybe I do. //

Haven't been feeling very good nowadays..many many things have happened and..well..I can't say that I'm not affected by it..to a certain extend I am. But how large, how small, that's what I don't know..I didn't think I was affected much but now I'm suspecting that it's deeper and bigger than I thought...

Talked to dad and he told me that my uncle's father's (grandfather's) last words to my uncle's mother (grandma) is this: "In my next life, will you marry me again?" Grandma agreed, they've been married for 57 years, got married when they were 18 years old..she cried and cried and cried everyday after his death...

And Dad told me that I was the eldest grandchild of his father (p. granddad)and so p.granddad adored me to bits. He used to buy me lots and lots of things from his shop but why can't I remember that? Why can I only remember loving so so deeply my nursemaid and yet the memory of my p.granddad loving me is gone? 3 months before he died, he was absolutely delighted in coming to Singapore to stay with us..unfortunately, he didn't make it. Had porridge at 4, breathing diffculty at 6 plus..he didn't believe he had stomach cancer but by the time it was confirmed, it was at the last stage already. P.Grandma understood he didn't have any more hope in living and so tells him to let go of the pain. He did at 7pm..Months after that, my dad kept dreaming of p.granddad coming to our house. The following week, my dad would dream of p.granddad leaving our house. Back then, we were living in blk.82. Why has he stop coming now? Is it because he lost his way and couldn't find our new house? Has he finally found peace and happiness and is contented with wherever he is now? Is he in hell for not being a Christian? How I wish he would come back to me one day, even for a few minutes, even in my dreams..anything..so that I can say goodbye to him because I didn't attend his funeral. I want to tell him how much I love him, how much I missed him..and how much I wanted to make him proud..what will make him proud of me? I want to know..

How can two person who are not blood related love each other for so so long, through sickness, through health, through rain or shine? I guess this is what they call eternal love, the love that doesn't die till the end of time. I wonder if I have the capability to love that much..or whether I can take the pain of someone who has been my soul mate, my lover for so so long leaving me within a blink of the eye..I wonder..who will listen to my last words, and who will be the one that will be crying during my funeral.

Still trying to get over his death, the body was burnt yesterday, and I didn't even know about it, or be there to see him go for the last time..just because I was in school with tutorials..I hate school! It's the second time they forbid me to say my goodbyes to someone so dear to me!

Whatever. And with this darn anonymous thing..and with..some problems with some people. How do I survive my way to prelims? Will I be able to keep the knife away from me? I really wonder if I'll go back on my words..

I know God has all this planned out..what is he trying to do now? I really don't know..can someone answer me that? I feel so..so..I don't know..everytime I thought I was in control,I realize that I wasn't..I guess I've been too careless nowadays..becoming numb most of the time, is it happening to me again? Whatsmore, I'm afraid I'll lose my temper and start shouting, been trying to surpress my emotions but it'll break out one day..when will that be?

This is my last time blogging until I feel better. It's pointless and useless and totally foolish to even make a blog in the first place. What have I been thinking? That people would read this blog and sympathize and go "oh, are you alright? Need a hug?" what the shit. I need to wake up from my lala land.

"Cause me..I'm rusted and weathered, barely holding together...I'm covered with skin that peels and it just won't heal.." - "Weathered" by Creed

- #67

//Been thinking about you nowadays..the more I look at you, the more I realize that I've been blind. You aren't what I thought you were. So who are you? Are your words true? Because I don't know why I put in so much effort for this to go on and yet, you're just playing around. I guess you are naive. You don't know what it feels like to hurt so so deeply inside that you're just drowning in it and nothing, not even your friends can pull you up to the surface. Guess what? My biggest regret is ever knowing you. And ever getting close to you. Though I wish I could hurt you so so deeply inside, I know I shouldn't. I'll just be like "anonymous" and that ain't right. Yet..I'm still stupidly holding on to the hope that barely exists..wishing day and night that things will be back to normal, like we once were. Will that ever happen? Because no matter how hard I pray..nothing is working out at all..I'm totally at my ends and I don't know what to do anymore..//

//It's not your fault if you're thinking it is. I don't know what's happening...But here's what I can tell you. I'm sorry. I honestly am. I'm sorry I hurt you and I'm sorry I made you lose your trust in me. Perhaps I haven't been able to reciprocate this friendship enough..because I never had thought I would commit myself into a deep relationship with someone who knew me so well..I've learnt from my mistake and here's my mistake: Someone who is closest to you are the ones that hurts you the most. Perhaps you may not understand this..but I realize that although it seems that you know me, you know only one part of me...Perhaps it is my mistake for ever becoming close to anyone because I just can't seem to live up to your expectations..no matter what I do, I am always lonely. I'm sick of making people worried about me for no good reason and when you people can't really talk in the morning because of my face, I know it's my fault..I shouldn't be down there in the first place..And I have been a fucking fool who is so blind to her surroundings, who freaks people out because she's the freak of nature and is always thinking of suicide and feeling numb and paranoid, the fuckingly pathetic excuse of mankind, I guess you made the wrong decision for ever making me your best friend. I'm not anyone's best friend and I can never be. I don't know what made me help others when my own wounds have never actually healed. You don't even have to forgive me. Because I cannot forgive myself, I hate myself, that's all I can say. Please leave me alone for this week, I don't think I can face all of you..Anyway, you've got lots of friends, they can treat you better than me, turn to them..//

Hey! What's up? Know I shouldn't be sticking my nose into this..but since you did mention me in your blog,I shall continue what I've been doing. Oh, btw, thanks for calling me a "major fucker". Did I mention? No..I don't think I did..you're the first to call me that..thanks..haha..I wonder who's gonna call me a slut next..

Ok. First and foremost, I really have no idea what made you think I fucked Patrina. Though I was rather shocked when I heard that, but after that..it's quite amusing to me..haha..proof that Patrina and I had done it? Haha..Anyway..you do realize that I'm a girl right? How am I to fuck her? Not only that..both Patrina and I are Christians, homosexuality is against our religion. If we sin, we have to confess. And confessing meant people would know about it. So why would we do that? Anyway, let me admit this. *arhem* I suck in bed since I have no idea what I'm suppose to do.*blush*.. I'm serious!!!

Heh..Secondly, you don't have to drag our mothers into this, you know..spare them from the hard work they have to do everyday. Haiz..mop mop mop, sweep sweep sweep, cook cook cook, dust dust dust..man..what a chore...pity our poor mothers..yours as well..have a heart yarh?

Thirdly, why are you dragging those related to SJAB ppl? They are perfectly innocent about this. If you're not happy with one of us, trash it out. Don't keep tagging our boards or something..you really made us think you're a coward..

Fourthly, it's not that we SJAB ppl are nosy. It's just this rule that we abide: One for all, all for one. See? So if one of us is insulted, the rest of us would stand up for her. And it's part of our CCA to shout. If not, why do we call ourselves a uniform group who empahsizes much on discipline? Our CCA is unique though, it's the only CCA that allows seniors to have major power in running the entire CCA, cool right? >_~

Fifthly, if you want to say it out, say it out. Don't use dialects. Know what I mean? No need to mention "Chee Bye", just use the actual word. I didn't even know what that means until I asked..hehe..is it that cool to talk in dialect? *wonders*

Back onto track. Like what Mei Yi said..I really understand your situation..but..hurting others so that others can hurt as much as you ain't gonna help. Trust me, you're bringing more pain to yourself instead. You're just covering up your own pain and not healing.

What is healing, perhaps you would ask. And how do you heal? Well..healing takes place in many ways. Firstly, you need to learn how to let go. Only when you let go can you start to heal. If not, the wound is always open and scars cannot form. The scars in turn cannot disappear and you will remain bleeding..Another way to heal is through praying. I don't know what religion you believe in and I'm not trying to push you to becoming a Christian...But pray and God shall heal you. Remember this verse: Ask and you shall receive. God always answers prayer, though he takes his time...And prayers are very very powerful..trust me..though I may still be young at faith, but I do know how powerful prayer is..Also, you can heal by helping others to heal. When you help, you can teach and you can learn. That's one of the greatest beauty of life..honestly..help others and you will find that you heal much much faster..

Well..only you can heal yourself, no one else can. Start to heal and your days would be better..don't swear or curse because it only degrades you further. I may not know who you are but I want you to know this: You can talk to me if you want to. I really understand what you're going through now because I've been through it myself. You don't have to talk to me face to face, online is possible, leave a note or an entry or something..it's up to you...and please don't hurt yourself anymore. It's not worth it..you're in turn not only hurting yourself but also those who are close to you and care for you...

Lastly, I know I may sound like I'm mocking you..but I am serious in the whole entry. I want you to know that I'll pray that God will help you to heal and find back the right path. Well..guess that's about it. Whatever you want to do next, it's totally up to you. Whether you want to insult me further, look for me to..beat me up or something, threaten..whatever you want to do, it's your choice. Choose it wisely.

Got to go now. God bless you and take care, cheer up!!

- #67

Today's worship songs were totally nice!!Hahahah! Love all the songs! Felt so much better after service, praying really helps heal all this..yay~

Anyway..let me start from school..Had mock exam today and it was like..really really hard..couldn't understand the passage at all..moreover the questions..heh.oh no, don't know how I'm gonna score for it..haiz..

Yarh..then had CCA..on the way to class to put down our bags, met Patrina who gave me back the shoes. Heh, thanks girl, you're so on task! Anyway, she tried to hug me but Minfeng blocked her..haha..didn't it dawn on her that she would hug me later on in church?

Yeah well..but she didn't hug me..Pat just had to squeeze me like nobody's business..-_-'' what were you trying to do?

Haha...like whatever..wish I could do that to you too but realize that you are too thick to be properly squeezed...hahaha..

So sorry..ate too much sugar..currently high.

Hahahaha..

Oh..yarh..then after church, celebrated Vanessa's b-dae..then had a follow up session with Yi Hui and the others. Learnt lots of things..Haha..we spend the first..half an hour or so rounding about the same point: Human errors resulting in diff branches of Christianity, Mother Mary and judging other religions..haha..it was so so amusing to just look at them bickering among themselves, repeating and contradicting themselves..hahahaha..the saddest thing was that I didn't have anything to record the conversation and there was no popcorn or soda to go along with the entertainment..haha..

We ate at BK, decided to be on a diet so just had a big cup of barley..which wasn't too bad..though I'd prefer it thicker and more concentrated...

Got homework to do..haiz...don't feel like doing it..but tml I'd be quite busy..yeah well..guess I'll run off now.

- #67

Went to school today thinking about grandpa and how he is now..and what's going to happen to grandma and when the funeral would be..Sat in the canteen and stoned there. Yesterday, it was numb..now everything's coming back to me..I had really wanted to break down there but..it wouldn't be nice to have red eyes when I'm up on the stage. So for the whole morning, I stoned and rotted and kept a straight face.

Got a necklace as a farewell gift from the teachers, they bought us a $150 chocolate cake.really nice..the reception was quite sweet, haha..it was only then that I cheered up. But..when I look at my council..I feel like a failure. Honestly..I'm just..a failure. I haven't done enough for my council and now I can't do anything about it..

Went down not too happily to celebrate Minfeng's and Cartan's birthday..so sorry if I spoiled your day..I couldn't be cheerful, it took me so much energy just to stop myself from breaking, it would take up too much energy to even smile and be happy and it wasn't even afternoon yet..had thought I would go home straight after singing the song but didn't since...I thought it wouldn't be nice to just leave straight after that. But I didn't eat a piece of cake, didn't feel like eating anything sweet. it'll just numb it all.

Talked to Mei Yi for like, half the afternoon and got some things off my shoulder..thanks girl for listening, I'm glad I'm not the only one facing the same situation..felt better now but it's coming back again. Haiz..what am I suppose to do to take this away? I really don't want to go to church all upset and stuff like that...

Sometimes I wonder why I chose to be close to some people and not others..I mean why? I could have had chosen some other people and not get hurt as easily as I am now. Why am I so so stupid just to go for someone who might not really care? Why can't I just accept those who are so enthusiastic to show their concern for me? Attention? Perhaps..I should just have lived my life by myself and not have any friends who would listen to me. Perhaps it's better to keep myself occupied by studying rather than by helping others. Perhaps I should have had done it that day..but I didn't. I wonder what stopped me from doing so that day. It's been what? 3 years? And I'm still thinking why I didn't take the action that day? It could have had ended everything, maybe that was the best decision then..I don't know.

I'm not thinking straight now. All I want to do now is to go somewhere where I can let off these stuff and know that no one can disturb me there..

I'm a hypocrite. I'm ironic. I'm a failure. I'm a fool. What more can I say?

- #67

//Sometimes I wish you had never entered my life. Sometimes I wish you would just leave me alone. Because you have taken so much of me, I don't seem to be able to live without you..I feel so weak..what have you done to me?//

"Do you think that I would cry on the phone?
Do you know what it feels like being alone?
I'll find someone new.
Swing, swing, swing from the tangles of
My heart is crushed by a former love.
Can you help me find a way to carry on again?"

Heard that my uncle's father died..really upset now..he was a really nice person..very very nice, even though we weren't related to one another..I wonder how Grandma's taking in all this..and my cousins and their family..wish I could be there with them just to..console them and all..

Wow..this just so reminds me how fragile life is..you never know who is going to die next..haiz..but I hope he's happy where he is now..though I know it's childish thinking..

- #67


Lonliness dominates you. You can hide it well, but
its there, and your friends can see it. You
constantly feel alone, and need to do things to
fill your time. Your afraid to tell people
this, but sooner or later it gets out in a bad
way, and you think you screwed up everything.
And when you are in love is when you are sad
the most. (Please Vote)


What Emotion Dominates you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Honestly I don't know why I'm updating so frequently here..maybe because it's the only "alive" thing in my house now..why am I always stuck at home with my grandma watching tv and reading the chinese dictionary everyday?

Felt better after penting out yesterday but..I'm still depressed..don't know why I feel depressed even..

Mei Yi gave me a bottle of kaya made by her grandma..thank you girl, so sweet of you..and tell your grandma I said her kaya simply rocks!!

In school..had some people concerned about me..so sorry for troubling you when I'm depressed..you can just leave me alone when I'm in tt state, won't do anything stupid...I think...heh. Oh,metoyou gave us this green stress ball..which is pretty cute and very useful to me..haha..just that everytime I hit the ball against the wall, it flies straight back into my face..

Haha..luckily no bruises since the ball's quite soft. PE lesson was pure nonsense..how can Rachel and I ever be expected to run after Mag and catch her so that she has to do 10 push-ups?? Has anyone realize that the length of our legs are half of hers? Heh..was too full to run, but I was very obliged to do the 5 pushups..haha..

Not looking forward to tomorrow..I'm so so screwed up..supposed to have a meeting today but didn't..argh!!Mrs Koh's so going to kill me!!Have to be on stage tomorrow..hope I drown myself in my own perspiration..though how can anyone drown himself when they're in the open?

Bah! What rubbish!

Man..what's wrong with me nowadays?

I'm even starting to talk to myself.

Anyone know the mental hospital's hotline? Or how much does it cost to get people to build a padded room in my house? Maybe lock myself up behind my door, draw the curtains shut, put on ear plucks then sit down and chant prayers for world peace? Or hibernate somewhere where no one can find me..freeze myself in an icicle and only wake up many many years later to find that homo sapiens have become extinct.haha..and only for this month, a bonus ha..what a life..

- #67

I hate you, you know that? I hate you since the day you're born. I hate you since the day you gave me the ability to reflect. I hate you! I hate you and I hate you and I hate you! I don't seem to be able to love you at all! Why? Why can't I love you? Because you're unlovable! That's why. You're filthy! You're just rubbish beside the road!!

I don't know who you are anymore. What are you doing in my life anyway? Why can't you stop laughing at my every step? Must you humiliate me this way? Maybe you enjoy looking at my failure huh..Must you make me fall all the time and make me so damn insecure of everything I do?

Why must you be that way? Why must you make me so dependent on anything but myself? What more do you want to take from me? You have taken everything. You have ruined my life. Aren't you happy? Aren't you satisfied to see me in this way now? Aren't you happy to see me cry every night and wake up as if nothing happened? How much more do you want me to cry? Will you be happy when I start crying blood?

Fine! So perhaps the person I thought I was is actually not me. What have you done to me? Where have you hide that inner self? Are you playing games with me? Maybe you're just poking at me, seeing how much I can take before I break down...you gave me hopeless, unrealistic dreams. Your aim? To make me depressed when I wake up to reality right?

Stop pressurizing me! Why do you keep pressurizing me!! Just leave me alone! I don't want you in my life any anymore!! Stop making me numb!! And stop making me dangerous to myself and to other people!! I hate you!! What more can I say! I'll never love you and even if I do, it would take a damn long time to learn how to start to like you! You have no good qualities. You're just a piece of shit. You don't deserve to be alive at all. You're a waste of oxygen and water and food, know that?

Get away from my life and leave me alone!!So that I may one day die peacefully without you torturing me. Go away!You just want pity from other ppl, you're a weakling know that??

- #67

Had a talk with the sec 3s today..it was...well..emotions went high and all..heh..esp with 4 certain ppl...but..I hope it clears some things up..

Anyway...Got home at about..close to 7 pm..in time to be criticized by my grandma who thinks I don't understand malay and chinese and hakka and who thinks she's talking really softly..wow..it's not like I don't want to eat dinner, I was doing my homework. And she just had to tell my dad I'm too pampered because now I'm not eating my food that she or mum cooked, only eating outside food..I can't always stick to home food can I? I mean, I have to go out to eat when I'm..out! Argh! Must she criticize me in front of my face and pretend that I won't know a single thing she said??I mean, sure it's better than back-stabbing..oh..then my mum criticized me because I didn't clean my bowls myself..well..what am I to do when dad just plucked the thing out of my hand? I mean, ok, sure, so I'm spoilt and I'm pampered...but bah! whatever! Don't want to say anymore...

Anyway..some notes to sec 3s.

Felicia: It's going to be tough on you seeing your platoon's manpower and that you would be in council as well..well...Keep being responsible, it's the first step to being a good leader yarh? Don't be so influencible (is there such a word?) because then, you'll stray from your priorities..at the end of the day you probably can't achieve much. Remember this though, studies come first!

Abigail: Lighten up girl, it's time for you to be mature..you're already 15 years old..haiz..some jokes may be funny to you but not to others, always remember to be careful of the way you express things, such as your words. And playing a fool won't help, be down to earth and not complacent..oh and please stop kicking cats...

Amanda: Erm..what to say about you? Haha..stop being so mischievious..there are times when you can be that way and times where you can't. I'm sure you know that..put the discipline that you show for your academics in SJAB..you will be able to achieve many goals. Continue to stay cheerful and sensible for your platoon!

Li Jing: Hey, about what we talked earlier on, I'll keep my lips sealed. Well, all I can say is this..open up. Because when you do so, you will find people who love you and care for you..it is scary yes..but life is all about taking risks to succeed..if you don't take the risk, aren't you shutting out an opportunity for what you want? No man can live by himself..herself that is..haha..well, I understand your situation, been there, done that..just want you to know, you can always come to me when you want to talk to someone..or when you need a listening ear..I'm never too busy to listen to you yarh? Haha..well, take care girl!

Yi Zhi: You're so quiet!! Be more noisy! Haha..kidding..your quietness has always been a..well..part of your sweet disposition..you're reliable and responsible..polite and all..keep that up and you'll go far. Character means much much more than your grades or successes, rmb that!Don't let anything, words, criticism, so on and so forth, pull you down from reaching your goals!

I'm so not looking forward to tomorrow..it's going to be a really busy day for me...man, I'm slacking like nobody's business here..haiz..

- #67

Chinese orals today..can't say it was very difficult..it was ok larh..as ok as ok can get, get it? haha..paradox here..haha..oh something funny happened...I was in the room facing 2 examiners. They asked me for my IC and so I took my IC out..but it's stuck to a cover by the Drugs Abuse thing..so..haha..the examiner have to pry it open for me while I read the passage...

What the hell..I didn't even know there was investiture practice today! I hate the teachers!!It's not like we've stepped down already and argh! Curse them to hell! Hope they get hit by a car while crossing the road and DIE A SLOW AND DAMN PAINFUL DEATH ALONE!!!

Anyway...cut my hair and ppl were like "Oh my gosh cindy! You cut your hair?" Duh ppl, I cut my hair..if not what happened to the excess missing hair right? Heh. Hmm..mostly ppl said I look younger..and more refreshing and nicer :D. Thank you..haha..though I think I look like a sec 1 or even a primary school girl now..jeez..but..looking younger is better..haha..

Yay!!Thanks to Arts Alive we get Friday off after mass and investiture!!Then, got to go and say a couple of words to my new council..then pray hard Miss Kang won't make us stay back for lit lessons..pls don't make us stay back..Haha..can you believe that Miss Kang is really good with little kids? Haha..but she's really cheerful today, so English lesson went really well..

Yupyup..praise the Lord that Chinese exams are finally over, now to concentrate on other stuff...Haha..looking forward to tomorrow..will be spending time with my dear dear friend Baby Piggy..haha..can't wait to see you tomorrow after school girl!

- #67

Nothing much to write here, just a couple of msgs to some ppl..

Mrs Grace Heng: I know you won't read this, but it's ok. Cause I won't say it out to your face either..hehe..anyway..I'll pray that God will see you through this difficult moment..even if it is finalised and that you have to go through the operation..pray God will look over you every step of the way and that he will never let anyone down, he will not hurt those who love and care for you..God will give you strength, have faith in him.

Baby Piggy: No matter what people say, have confidence in yourself..don't let words pull you down..you will never have any achievements if you do..rmb I'll be your listening ear when you need one..God bless you dear..

Patrina: Haha, thanks for your comment..do you really mean what you said in the morning? Or was that to spite Mei Yi? Haha..

Jolyn: Thanks for your opinion of my hair..you never fail to be honest with me just the way I like it..oh yarh..you can help me with the..arh..clipping up of my hair when I see you in school tomorrow.

Beelzey: Warh..thanks argh..call me a pig..what the hell..I'M A COW OK?? Haha...But still, you were so sweet to accompany me and Mei Yi to cut our hair..haha..thanks so much!!

Tama: Let me emphasize this again. I'm straight. Fullstop. Sorry to put this across so harshly but the fact still remains that I'm straight. Does that answer your question?

I won't repeat my initial starting statement here since it's..written as my title..haha..kk..just some random stuff to start off my day today..argh! Lots of maths tuition homework undone..how am I to face Mdm Lee later on? Haiz..should have said I'm busy today..but that would be dishonesty..haiz..now I have to go for maths tuition..then get criticized by her again..then running down to ballet class which I can't attend due to my arm..coming back at about 10 pm, pack bag, do other necessary and unnecessary stuff before hitting bed..what a nice day I've got..totally eventful too..

I'm not photogenic. Why do ppl say I am? But will my new hairstyle make me more photogenic? Heh..it just made me look so so decent and...so young!!People's gonna think I'm like..sec 1? Even with my previous hairstyle, many ppl thought I was Sec 2..well..whatever I look now, it's too late to change it unless I wear a wig to school..not that my new hairstyle is bad..maybe I'll just go bald..but then, I'll freeze in the cold.

Why do ppl go to bed?

Because the bed won't go to them. Duh.

Whatever. Bah! I talk too much pointless stuff.

- #67

To Mdm Nora, Mrs Tay and Miss Yong (however you spell your name): Congrats!!

To sec 3s: Don't worry, won't keep you in the dark for long, we will have a nice talk with you ppl after school on Wednesday. Please understand our decisions..

Finally cut my hair today..thought I looked like Yi Hui..in a way..but I look so decent..can't stand it..though the back isn't as layered as I wanted it to be...but heck...the woman there was kind enough to tolerate my fussiness..yeah well..heh..Mei Yi and I had the same hairstyle..wahaha..wonder what the ppl would say when they see me on Tues..

I hate it when ppl say I look sexy..it just reminds me of SOMEONE..though I appreciate your saying I look good..but PLS!! DON'T USE THE WORD "SEXY"!!

What happened is this: We went to Marine Parade, called Felicia and realize the shop was in Roxy Square. So we went to Roxy Square and walked about till we ask this woman, Grace Tan,who is the owner of the shope Swish Salon or something, also the salon I cut my hair in..she said it was in Katong Mall so we went there while it was raining and realize the place is in renovation..so the salon is no longer in Katong Mall..then we walked back in the rain again to Marine Parade and tried to decide where to cut our hairs..Speed had too many ppl..the shops in the neighbourhood was..too far..the shops in Marine Parade were VERY ex..the lowest we found was $28 and the highest..well..to cut Mei Yi's hair is about $44 without GST..just think about cutting mine..jeez..so went back to Roxy Square and went to Leaves Salon but too many ppl waiting so went back to Swish Salon and got hair cut there..the woman's nice and she's really experienced..just a bit..violent..right peeps? Just how she grabbed my hair with the comb to blow them dry..*shudders* but I think I'll go back there to cut my hair..haha..trust her cutting alot..yay..my hair looks nice!

Haha..so that's the very funny part..haha, how we're just so undecided..haha..

I hate it when I get hyper...cause after that, I'll get really upset..and out of no reason at all..haiz.. but like they say, the amount of happiness you feel is the same amount of sadness you feel unconsciously..I can't remember where I got that from..yeah well..

Argh! Don't want to write anything else here.

- #67

**What are you trying to do now? You scare me so so much inside..though I just try not to show it..though there was a period of time where I avoided you because I can't help it..but I felt really guilty, after all we were friends once..why had this break our friendship? But please..don't chase me anymore..don't scare me anymore.I don't want to lead you on again..I don't want to talk to you. I don't want to see you. I don't want to hear your voice. I don't want to see your number. I don't want to get anymore of your messages. I don't want to go out with you. I don't want to hear anyone mention your name at all. I wish I had never met you. I wish I won't have to patch up with you. I wish I will forget about you and not know you exist at all. Do you know how I feel? I really wonder if you're jealous of the people around me, especially those closest to me..I have to tell you this: You're not one of my good friends..you're just..a friend to me..one thing is this: I cannot confide in you. At all. Because I find you're not sincere in your words, you're not honest in your comments..you're just trying to make me feel better, that's all. What's the point of lying to me? I want to hear the truth no matter how hurtful. And you're so judgemental and hypocritical. I hate talking to you. I hate to hear your replies. I just want to argue with you till I can hurt you so deep it'll scar you for life. But I don't want to do that. Because it is a sin to do so. I'm still trying to forget this happened. Forgive and forget. But I can't. See? I'm not perfect. I'm not as sweet and as cute and as charming and as soft and merciful as you may think I am. Yes. I have changed. Whether good or bad, I know how to stand up for myself. You cannot hurt me anymore. I won't let you hurt me anymore. I don't care about you anymore. You're nothing to me.**

Hello.

Com shut down on me, so can't update..hehe..glad I can do so now..haha..

The sec 2s had a farewell party for us..it was really really sweet of them..I didn't know they think we did a good job since we're insulting ourselves half the time..haha..

I realize everyone's writing appreciation notes to other ppl in their blogs..haha..only maybe a couple of ppl ain't doing so..haha...know what? Miss Kang started it, I thought it was sweet and so I did it..then the rest followed.haha...influence! Haha..like what the pastor said, an introvert can influence up to 10,000 ppl..ain't tt so cool? Haha..

Yu Lin and Di Ya came today..though it was sort of like a bit too late..but I'm glad they turned up..it was really fun..haha..many things happened but shan't say it, right Cheryl? Haha..

Oh...then my dear little sister TQ tried to unbuckle my bra and went around trying to unbuckle many other ppl's bras..funny arh..haha..but it's fun..really..haha..kk, but shan't do so since it's pretty out of character for me..haha..

Am tired now..haiz..gonna cut my hair tml, wonder if I'll look nice in it? I hope so..if not I really don't know what to say about it..it's kinda risky too..haiz...guess pray and have faith...

I wonder why ppl say I'm strong? What do they mean? Oh..guys..thanks for your notes to me..brightens up me day..and I'm sorry if I hurt you in any way because I'm difficult to understand..yupyup..I shall be more careful next time..haha..Hmm..think I'll run now..gonna sleep now..

**Don't think you'll look at this blog but nevermind..I still want to voice out my feelings..how could you be so...so...stupid to do that? At least defend yourself or something right? I'm really really appalled by it..but...is this true? Or are you making all these up? Don't you have any self-respect?? Don't you know how serious this is? Perhaps it's all play for you..perhaps you feel..I don't know...honoured that someone would do that? Perhaps you're hiding your emotions..or perhaps you're just trying to catch our attention...in that case..you've really demoralized yourself..my opinion of you really went down..not that it was high up before..but still..I'm shocked..I really am..maybe I'm naive enough to take your little story..but that shows something. That something is this: I do care for anyone whom I know..my CCA, my Council ppl..anyone that I know..unless you have made me feel you're unworthy of my respect..well..whatever happens and whatever really happens..I hope you'll wise up more and choose the right decision..please don't be so blind anymore...the world is more than it seems now..**

- #67